HAPPY BURFDAY LISI!!

Even though I rarely see you nowadays, know that you are always in my heart. A good friend once told me that friends are like the stars, you can't always see them but they are always there. That goes doubly for you momma. We are family as well as friends.

Have fun. Stay out of trouble (at least the bad kind). Your 21st is coming up sooner than you think. I love you traviesa.

Rush

I recently bought and uploaded an album that I had on cassette when I was a teenager. That's right, cassette. Yes I am that old and I am okay with that. Moving on.

I love music period. I can listen to most anything except what passes for country music now a days and the inane pop music I am forced to listen to anytime I am in a retail establishment. Having said that, my absolute favorite Rock band of all time is Rush. Love, love, love them. I have seen them in concert three times and they are absolutely flawless performers and superb musicians. I can see how people might be put off by Lee Getty's voice, but their lyrics and musicianship are awesome.

Putting on my earphones and tuning my iPod to The Trees or Red Barchetta, I am taken back to when I was a teenager and going through one fucked up thing after another. Music was my escape. It made me happy when nothing else could. To quote India Arie, "How could I live one day without music."

Ahhhh. Rush. Thanks for saving my life back then.

The Trees

There is unrest in the forest
There is trouble with the trees
For the maples want more sunlight
And the oaks ignore their pleas

The trouble with the maples
(And they're quite convinced they're right)
They say the oaks are just too lofty
And they grab up all the light
But the oaks can't help their feelings
If they like the way they're made
And they wonder why the maples
Can't be happy in their shade

There is trouble in the forest
And the creatures all have fled
As the maples scream 'Oppression!'
And the oaks just shake their heads

So the maples formed a union
And demanded equal rights
'The oaks are just too greedy
We will make them give us light'
Now there's no more oak oppression
For they passed a noble law
And the trees are all kept equal
By hatchet, axe and saw

Tired. So, so tired.

Happy though. :)

Just exhausted. Did I mention I was tired??

Rolling the dice

In relationships, you always come to the point where you have to decide, "Am I in this for the long haul? or Am I ready to move on?" I have noticed that this point usually arrives at about 3-4 months.

I am at the 3-4 month point.

I realize that what I am feeling is normal, but I have to proceed with caution because I am NOTORIOUSLY commitment-phobic. Commitment freaks me out because I have been badly bruised every time I have given my heart to someone. I tend to cut and run before he can hurt me.

My current man is the only man in my life at the moment. I really like him. BUT . . . there are challenges. I think he senses my hesitation because he asked me the other day if we were in trouble. I did not know how to respond so I answered in a less then honest fashion, "as long as you are really in this then we are ok." His response, "then we will never be in trouble."

Problem is I wonder if he really meant that or if that was just game. You see, I know he is in to me. I have met the family, the roommate, talked to his son on the phone, and I have received the approval of the "boys." BUT sometimes I feel like he does things out of a sense of obligation and I do not want that. I want him to hang out because he wants to be with me, not because he thinks I need attention. I am a big girl, and although I am a bit attached to him, I do have other options. The more I think about it, the more I think I am terrified to be in a position where I fall in love with a man that is just not that in to me.

We are not exclusive yet. I am ok with that, as long as I am the queen bee, which seems to be the case. But I do not want to love someone who cannot love me back in the way that I deserve. I also do not want to pressure someone into a commitment that they are not ready for.

If I run now, I can save myself a lot of pain BUT I could also be missing out on a good relationship.

Ho-hum. Time to roll the dice . . . again.

Good things come to those who . . . WAIT??

A really wonderful thing happened to me the other day. Actually, life has been handing me some pretty wonderful cards lately. Sure, I did not pass the Bar for the second time which was disappointing, to say the least. But, once again, I just see it as a character building experience. I barely missed it. Barely. If the second round graders had graded me first, I would have passed. I know what I have to work on and I am confident I will pass in July.

So back to the wonderful thing that happened on Wednesday.

Before I received my results I decided that if I did not pass, I would wait until the February Bar to take it again. I have been at this for a while. Besides . . . I didn't have the money to take it again in July. I was not about to borrow more money . . . from anybody. I had begun to look for full-time work the Monday after results.

At work, on Wednesday, a regular came in and asked:

"I know you are a little busy right now, but when you get a chance could you stop by our table? J and I have something we want to show you. It'll take five minutes."

"Sure." I finished up what I was doing and went over to the table.

"We are starting a new company and this is our mission statement, kind of our guiding principles." He points at the page in his hand. "I want you to read this sentence right here."

I read the sentence, and although I can not recall the exact words, it was about always believing in yourself and never giving up.

"J and I believe in you. Which is why we want to give this you. It does not cover all of it, but here is $500 to take the Bar in July."

I cried. Right there in front of everybody. I couldn't even talk. Even now, remembering it, I am getting a little misty.

The world is full of wonderful people that perform miracles every day. I am so blessed to have those types of people in my life.

On another note, just as positive as the first . . .

I know everyone is curious, and by everyone, I mean the people that actually know me, so I might as well come out with it. I have a boyfriend. (big smile) His name is John and he just came out of nowhere. Once I made room in my life for him by getting rid of all the guys I was "friends" with, he appeared. There was not even a hint of my usual nerves and "freak outs." It never occurred to me to be afraid. One look in his eyes and I trusted him immediately. Strange, I know, and just a bit corny, but it is the truth. For better or for worse, there has been no holding back and it has been wonderful. Enough said.

Hope everyone is having a great holiday weekend. Eat, drink and be merry, because if this weather is any indication, the world will end soon. :P (I am TOTALLY kidding).

Randy Pausch Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

So I did not pass the Bar . . . again. Missed it by 20 points.

"When peace like a river attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll.
Whatever my lot,
thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul."

La Macanita - Bulerias

Ole! Nothing like a little flamenco with my morning cup of coffee. Warms the blood and sings to the soul.

Random Thoughts

A few things I have been thinking about. Mind you, they are not related one to another. Just things I have been thinking about:

My mom, grandma and my mom's friend were sitting at the table and I heard the comment, "In a marriage, it is better when the man loves the woman and the woman respects the man." Hmmm. Do not know how I really feel about that but I suspect it may be true. Men do not seem to take their marriage vows as seriously so if something is going to keep them true it is love. Perhaps it is more fair to say that society finds it more acceptable for men to be unfaithful. I do not really believe that there is something inherent in men that makes them less faithful to marriage vows. I just think society makes it acceptable and in many cases encourages it.

So there is all this furor about Rev. Wright in the media. He thinks the government is responsible for AIDS and deliberately administered it to the black community in some attempt at mass genocide. People keep saying this is an extreme view that is ridiculous. Now while I agree that this is an extreme view, it is not so ridiculous a suggestion as one might think considering our nation's history. Does no one recall the distribution of blankets infected with smallpox to Native Americans? How about the Tuskegee syphilis studies carried out on African-American men between 1932 and 1972? The unauthorized and completely unethical clinical studies of Mexican-American women involving the use of contraceptives? Unauthorized sterilizations?? Our government has a dark past when it comes to diseases, infections and such. I am certainly not saying that I agree with Rev. Wright. I DO NOT. However, what I am saying is that it is not at all ridiculous to suggest that our government would be involved in something as nasty as what he suggests. It is a perfectly plausible scenario. Now do I think that our government would try to wipe out black people? NO. Gay people yes, black people no.

The price of gas is soaring. And people act surprised. C'mon people! This was inevitable. Big deal, so you cannot drive your huge land barges with out a second thought anymore. Perhaps instead of bitching about the price of gas we should all be looking for ways to conserve. Drive less. Walk your fat ass to the store instead of driving one mile. Kill two birds with one stone . . . save money and burn some excess fat. Ya know . . . back in the fifties it was patriotic to conserve gas. Now we act like spoiled little brats. Maybe the hike in the cost of gas will help to change the wasteful way we have been living here in the States. Hopefully it will drive innovation and spur the development of alternative fuels and energy sources. One can only hope.

Ok. Back to my book.

La Macanita

you go gurrrl! Eso nena!

Morning Cup of Joe

Ah. Mornings on my mom's front porch. After all the travel I have done, the bench swing on my mom's front porch is still one of my favorite places in the entire world. We have a really big Chinese Elm tree up front that provides shade from the afternoon sun. Jasmine climbs up one pillar and red roses climb up the other. This time of year, it is exceptionally nice because of the wonderful scents and the vibrant colors of spring. Add to that the breeze and a hot cup of coffee (or iced in the afternoon) and it is absolute heaven. From my little haven I can observe all the goings-on of the neighborhood. I am not the only early riser on my block. We live in a working class neighborhood. Hard working folk who take pride in their homes. On weekdays, people get up super early and head of to their respective trades . . . carpentry, plumbing, landscaping, etc. On the weekends, they get up, a little less early, to wash their cars, water their gardens, sweep their front walks or in some cases, walk to church. It really is a small town in the middle of the "big city." Anyone who has spent any amount of time in La Habra describes it pretty much the same way.

Yesterday was a great day from start to finish. Katie and I rescued a baby kitten early in the morning. It was pay day. After work, Katie and I went kayaking. Then we went to dinner which was comped. I got home, tired from the day's labor, sun-kissed and windblown, showered and passed out. God I love SoCal.

Today I will be heading down to SD to visit with Jeff and Mika which I have been looking forward to all week. Which reminds me, I better go gather the cuttings I am taking for their greenhouse.

Ta.

Brown Penny

William Butler Yeats

I Whispered, "I am too young,"
And then, "I am old enough,"
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
"Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair."
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny
I am looped in the loops of her hair.
O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough,
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love,
Till the stars had run away,
And the shadows eaten the moon,
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny.
One cannot begin it too soon.

Cannot wait for tomorrow

Summer is coming. I can feel it. Sure, there have been some days of rain and cool weather. It may be cool in the early morning, but tonight . . . tonight I can feel summer coming.

Tomorrow I only have to work until 9:45 am so I will be heading to the beach right after. I am going to enjoy the time of leisure I have left. I am going to lay in the sand, take a dip every now and then and enjoy the sound and smell of the ocean. It will be like an instant makeover. Tan, facial, pedicure and workout all in one. God I love the ocean. Can hardly wait.

Morning Cup of Joe

So, money is short and debts are long at the moment. Sometimes it is little more than I can bear. I am a prideful woman and I cannot abide being beholden to anyone. I hate asking for help and I abhor being weak. I carry a lot of stress around bundled up in my head lately. Carrying that type of load is very tiring. I woke up thinking, "What happens when you stop believing in yourself?" A foreign thought for me really, but the answer is simple. Believe in God's plan. Trust the belief that your loved ones have in you.

I have not been moping or spending my time snapping people's heads off. I have been sufficiently cheerful. :) Actually, that has not been very hard given the people that I spend my time with lately. Katie-kins keeps me up without even trying. God I love that girl. Sooooo much fun. Chris is close by. And I am so happy that Karen is so much closer now. And LoLo is coming out more often. Burdens are easier to bear when you share them. Little by little things work themselves out. They always have.

Today I have a lovely day ahead of me. A morning of reading in my PJs. An afternoon of yoga with Ann. Perhaps some gardening. And tonight . . . well, I will think of something sufficiently relaxing.

PS: I miss Jeff and Mika. :( I will come out and visit when I can afford the gas. I have some cuttings for your garden. Some beautiful succulents that are low maintenance yet exotic and high maintenance looking. Tell your parents I love them too.

The birds are singing. :)

What the f*@k!?!

Want to know the real origin of the word "fuck?" Check out this link.

Women Only

I went to a women's college. I lived on campus with 314 other women and went to classes where the student to teacher ratio was 11 to 1. I loved it.

Last night I was discussing my experience with two friends, a man and a woman. Most women think that they would hate living on campus with that many other women, which I suppose is understandable, but it really was a great experience. As soon as I began to explain, the friend that was a woman understood completely.

There is something that a woman gets from being around other women that she cannot get from being around other men (and vice versa). I think that being in a group of women makes me a bit more relaxed. I am not sure relaxed is the right word. Let me see . . . . ah yes . . . . I can do things like walk around in my underwear when I am among only women. When I was in college, I would wake up ten minutes before class, roll out of bed, throw my hair up, put my slippers on and show up to class in my pajamas. Most of us did. You could always tell who the freshman were because they were the ones who had not caught on that there were no men around to impress. I am not sure if we are more ourselves when we are among only women, I only know that it is different . . . and I like it. Just as a woman will never truly understand what it is like to be a man, a man will never truly understand what it is like to be a woman. Women share experiences that cannot be had by a man. That is not to say that I do not enjoy the company of men. I love that too, it is just . . . different.

I imagine that men are somewhat relieved when they do not have to be on their "best behavior" around women. It is much the same with women. When there are no women around, men can burp, fart and scratch to their heart's content (assuming that they even engage in that behavior at all). Same for women, although there is considerably less B F and S-ing. Women are a whole lot less "feminine" around each other in some ways. Or maybe the definition of feminine behavior changes based on whether men are present or not?? Does that hold true for masculinity as well?? Hm.